01/09/16

The Daft Art of Ghosting

The Daft Art of Ghosting

Ghosting is the poltergeist of dating. Since we are not talking about aliens, it’s time we stop demonizing the phenomenon, as is not a novelty trend and it does not mean the end of your dating journey

Picture yourself laying on a sofa, on a rainy Sunday afternoon. There is nothing good on TV, you haven't made any plans with your friends and admit it, you are feeling slightly bored. And just like that, you are browsing through beards on Tinder. A couple of swipes later you have a match! The guy has a nice haircut and seems friendly. One hour later, you are at the local coffee roasters' sipping on a double macchiato. A couple of lols later, you and the beard are sipping on each other's lips. You end up at your place, he had condoms and you spooned after sex. Butterflies!

The Monday after, you are feeling excited, your phone is the extension of your breath and you want the world to know how amazing your date was. But you are acting cool and you go on happily with your -otherwise dull- tasks. And here it comes. The unholy ‘should-I-wait-or-should-I-text ?' situation, which is as old as the trees, only digitally wrapped today. Have you ever felt the sweet agony of anticipating an SMS ? contemplating which emoji to use? how many exclamation marks ? should I text first? or wait until the afternoon? Half of these question marks is enough to drive you nuts!
Netflix time is over, kissing is on and a couple of eyelid movements later ...the sex is s*u*p*e*r*b*…!


And he calls! And you go out for a pizza and then at his place. "OMG!" you are thinking, "Are we a thing?! " He seems chill and as a treat, you shaved everything on your body this time.

You are now at his cosy flat. You are checking his records collection, feeling a weird sense of pride for his bathroom because it is "sooo clean for a single guy!". Netflix time is over, kissing is on and a couple of eyelid movements later ...the sex is s*u*p*e*r*b*…! You secretly snap a pic of him from behind to text your best friend while attaching just a wink emoji. <3

And that was the last time you saw him…

You spend a week (or more, depending on your ego size), wondering what you did wrong, over-analyzing with your female entourage the red thin line between "delivered" and "seen" in contemporary messaging. One bestie is trying to convince you that he will text, his phone just died and although you want to cringe, you smile and reply nonchalantly something like "nah! I don't care!".

Well, stop lying, you do care. And you sense that this beard has just ghosted on you. Yeap.
The act of ghosting is usually done in hopes that we will just "get the hint" and leave the ghost alone, hovering around life.


Worry not. We have all been there. Yes, he was ghosted once too. Even you have done that in the past. Regardless of age, gender and sexual preferences, tech- savviness, or physical attractiveness we have all experienced ghosting at some point in our dating life. We tend to avoid the person we sort of 'liked' but we were not that much into them. So, instead of confronting the other, like adults do, we avoid facing the music altogether knowingly that they will be pissed off or deeply hurt. Alas! the ghost is choosing the temporary comfort of the ‘delete' button which leaves us wondering how come they disappeared into thin air. Usually, met via one of the many social apps and for the sake of not re-watching GIRLS we would much more prefer to go out and have fun with a promising fellow human. We have a nice time (or a couple of dates), and then nothing. Nada. Nichts. Silencio.

The act of ghosting is usually done in hopes that we will just "get the hint" and leave the ghost alone, hovering around life. And yes, we can all agree that it would have been a lot easier if the ghost simply told us that they are no longer interested. But, when was the last time you felt great telling someone to their face that you are not into them? Unless you are a sociopath, it is never pleasant to reject someone.
We could have seen the red flags, but, we were too excited, too lazy, too horny, too something on the excess side which causes temporary blindness.


Many people attempt to justify ghosting as an easy and fast way to stop dating someone without hurting their feelings. But in fact, this behaviour proves that the ghosts are thinking more of themselves, as it creates more confusion for us (the ghosted) rather than them. Aside jokes, ghosting it is, in fact, a rather unpleasant experience. It is frustrating and it creates unnecessary drama that does nobody no good. The ghosts clearly lack basic communication savoir-vivre but often, we are also leaning towards the delusional side.

We could have seen the red flags, but, we were too excited, too lazy, too horny, too something on the excess side which causes temporary blindness. But hey, nobody likes to be ignored. Especially today, with the myriad ways of keeping in touch with the others. So, placing all your  hopes on someone you have no idea what their surname is, or culture (‘He was circumcised, he must be Jewish, right?" ) is equally problematic. Sure you both liked Heineken on Facebook but you do need more than that. So, save your tears and repeat the adventure, only expect less this time and choose your mental ammunition wisely. Cliche or what not, it works all the time.

by Hellena von Dutch
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